a lot has been going on lately. i found out the person who mattered most to me is telling everyone that im the devil. not to be trusted. bad influence. the person who mattered most to me is gone. i will never get her back. i have been dreaming a lot, of the docks where i grew up, of childhood, of port alexander. but i never can stay as long as i want to, and it is always changed in a way that makes it not home. also i never anm on the side my house was on, only the west side. i always walk up the dock and get this feeling of happiness, then i call and nobody is there. i walk down the boardwalk and things are glimmering, and sad. i never make it past the grassy spot where i played as a child. ive been sick a lot too, missing a lot of school, and my english teacher is really mean about it. shes been putting me through a lot of stress. i havent been talking to a lot of people, they are annoying. even my lunch haven, where i could just sit with one freind and relax and eat is violated by like, 10 loud stupid people who yell and laugh and take up the whole hallway. i mean, all i want is to sit down, and relax, and eat my food, and talk to one friend. is that too much to ask? i guess so. theres been too much stress. i feel like crying all the time. but i cant. people expect me o be strong.